Family,Marriage and Child Care-4
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Intimate Issues (part 1 of 2): Sex and Marriage in Islam |
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Islam is a holistic way of life. It takes into account all of humankind’s needs; spiritual, emotional and physical. Part of physical wellbeing includes sexual wellbeing and health. Allah created sex not only for procreation but to fulfill humankinds need for intimacy. Islam leaves no part of our lives unexplained and thus sexuality and intimacy are not topics that the Quran and the traditions of Prophet Mohammad shy away from or neglect. Islam encourages marriage and has made it a means to satisfy sexual needs of both men and women. There are far reaching consequences if a person engages in relationships outside of marriage. These include unwanted pregnancies, the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases, family breakdown in cases of adultery and emotional difficulties arising from relationships without commitment. Islam is aware of these complications and cautions the person who does not take the matter seriously. Islam defines pre-marital and extra-marital sexual relationships as great sins. “Nor come closer to illicit sexual intimacy for it is a shameful and immoral, opening the door (to other immorality).” (Quran 17:32) “আর ব্যভিচারের কাছেও যেয়ো না। নিশ্চয় এটা অশ্লীল কাজ এবং মন্দ পথ।” When a man or woman is able to marry, they should be encouraged and aided in their attempts to get married. Also when the intention has been made clear the couple should marry as quickly as possible to discourage any temptation to fall into sin. Prophet Muhammad encouraged marriage however he encouraged fasting for those who did not have the means to marry. He said: “… whoever among you possesses the physical and financial resources to marry should do so, because it helps him guard his modesty, and whoever is unable to marry should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.”[1] Allah, in infinite wisdom guides us away from the potentially destructive behavior of pre-marital or extra-marital relationships and towards behavior that allows us to live Allah centered lives while enjoying the closeness of a loving relationship. In fact Allah rewards us for intimacy with our lawful partner. Prophet Muhammad told his companions that “In the sexual act of each of you there is charity.” The Companions asked, “When one of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that?” And he said, “Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded.”[2] Giving pleasure to one’s partner is an act with immense rewards. Sexual relations become the act of two separate individuals united in a bond to surrender to the will of Allah. As each person strives to fulfill the rights and needs of the other, an affection and fondness is achieved. Allah stresses that a person will find intimacy and comfort in a lawful union. “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” (Quran 30:21) “আর এক নিদর্শন এই যে, তিনি তোমাদের জন্যে তোমাদের মধ্য থেকে তোমাদের সংগিনীদের সৃষ্টি করেছেন, যাতে তোমরা তাদের কাছে শান্তিতে থাক এবং তিনি তোমাদের মধ্যে পারস্পরিক সম্প্রীতি ও দয়া সৃষ্টি করেছেন। নিশ্চয় এতে চিন্তাশীল লোকদের জন্যে নিদর্শনাবলী রয়েছে।” Prophet Muhammad, may the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon him, was known as a loving husband and a family man. He was known to speak frankly without bashfulness to his companions, both men and women, when they asked him about matters of a sexual nature. For example his responses to questions included such wise advice as, “Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you.” “And what is a messenger?” they asked, and he replied: “Kisses and words.”[3] Prophet Muhammad said: “If one of you says, when he has intercourse with his wife: ‘In the name of Allah, O Allah, keep Satan away from me and keep Satan away from that which You bestow upon us,’ if it is decreed that they should have a child, Satan will never harm him.”[4] Prophet Muhammad was never embarrassed and strove to provide clear and understandable answers about all sorts of subjects including menstruation and orgasm. A woman once asked the Prophet if she needed to take a bath after a wet dream to which he replied, “Yes, if she sees liquid.”[5] Allah has ordained that our spouses be like our garments and that the husband and wife protect each other and be close companions. However marriage has many psychological, emotional and physical aspects to it and all matters relating to physical, emotional and spiritual health must be addressed, because all three areas are vital for the marriage to survive in a healthy way. Allah has given permission for married couples to fulfill their desires in many and varied ways and positions. “Your wives are a place of sowing of seed for you, so come to your place of cultivation however you wish and put forth [righteousness] for yourselves. And fear Allah and know that you will meet Him. And give good tidings to the believers”(Quran 2:223) “তোমাদের স্ত্রীরা হলো তোমাদের জন্য শস্য ক্ষেত্র। তোমরা যেভাবে ইচ্ছা তাদেরকে ব্যবহার কর। আর নিজেদের জন্য আগামী দিনের ব্যবস্থা কর এবং আল্লাহকে ভয় করতে থাক। আর নিশ্চিতভাবে জেনে রাখ যে, আল্লাহর সাথে তোমাদেরকে সাক্ষাত করতেই হবে। আর যারা ঈমান এনেছে তাদেরকে সুসংবাদ জানিয়ে দাও।” The Quran and the traditions of Prophet Muhammad also educate and advise us of any prohibitions Allah sees fit to make within the confines of marriage. It is taken and understood from the above verse of the Quran that within a marriage both the man and woman have the right to enjoy each other’s bodies and intimate companionship however they must avoid having sex when the woman is menstruating or bleeding after childbirth and they must never engage in anal sex. In part 2 we will look at prohibitions in the bedroom and discuss sex education and its ability to teach children healthy Islamic attitudes towards marriage, sex and body image.
Footnotes: [1] Saheeh Muslim [2] Saheeh Muslim [3] Musnad Al Firdaus- imām Daylami [4] Saheeh Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim [5] Saheeh Al-Bukhari
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Intimate Issues (part 2 of 2): Bedroom Etiquette |
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Islam offers clear guidelines for all worldly matters. Allah did not create us and then abandon us to the cosmos. He set out all that we need to know in the Quran and followed it up with the traditions of Prophet Muhammad. Allah did not leave us floundering about in a sea of misconceptions and misunderstandings and Prophet Muhammad taught his followers and that of course includes us, to be open and truthful and never to shy away from asking difficult or embarrassing questions. Thus a lot of what we understand about bedroom etiquette comes from the questions asked by the people around the Prophet. Allah says to enjoy each other’s intimate company, to take pleasure, comfort and delight in the intimacy of marriage but He also sets out a few rules about unacceptable behavior. We learned in article 1 that refraining from sexual intercourse when the woman is menstruating or still bleeding after childbirth is essential. It is apt and lawful for the husband and the wife to fulfill each other’s sexual needs but only when taking the guidance of the Quran and the traditions of Prophet Muhammad, may the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon him. And they ask you concerning menstruation. Say, “It is a harmful thing, so keep away from women during menstruation, and go not in unto them until they are pure. And when they have purified themselves, then come to them from where Allah has ordained for you. Indeed, Allah loves those who are constantly repentant and loves those who purify themselves.” (Quran 2:222) “আর তোমার কাছে জিজ্ঞেস করে হায়েয (ঋতু) সম্পর্কে। বলে দাও, এটা অশুচি। কাজেই তোমরা হায়েয অবস্থায় স্ত্রীগমন থেকে বিরত থাক। তখন পর্যন্ত তাদের নিকটবর্তী হবে না, যতক্ষণ না তারা পবিত্র হয়ে যায়। যখন উত্তম রূপে পরিশুদ্ধ হয়ে যাবে, তখন গমন কর তাদের কাছে, যেভাবে আল্লাহ তোমাদেরকে হুকুম দিয়েছেন। নিশ্চয়ই আল্লাহ তওবাকারী এবং অপবিত্রতা থেকে যারা বেঁচে থাকে তাদেরকে পছন্দ করেন।” Post natal bleeding is treated in the same way as menstruation. A couple should refrain from intercourse during this time and only recommence once the wife has performed the ritual bath. We also learned that anal intercourse was a great sin. Prophet Muhammad said that the one who had anal intercourse with his wife was cursed.[1] In another documented tradition he said specifically to avoid the anus and the time of menstruation.[2] Even if anal intercourse is performed as an alternative when the wife is menstruating or if the husband and wife agree to it, this is still a great sin. Mutual agreement does not allow something that has been made forbidden. Homosexuality (sex between members of the same gender) is also forbidden. Homosexuality is not accepted in Islam and this website can provide you with more information on the reasons for this prohibition. It is permissible for a husband and wife to masturbate each other. This comes under the rulings derived from the verse that encourages a married couple to enjoy and delight in each other. “Your wives are a place of sowing of seed for you, so come to your place of cultivation however you wish and put forth [righteousness] for yourselves …” (Quran 2:223) As far as the issue of oral sex is concerned, it is also a part of enjoying each other’s company and it is governed by two conditions; it must not cause harm and impure substances must not be swallowed. Having sex, even lawful sex will invalidate a fast. Thus a couple must abstain and this might become a problem during the 30 days of fasting in Ramadan. However because Allah knows the nature of humankind, He has made it permissible for married couples to have sex after the fast has been broken. “It has been made permissible for you the night preceding fasting to go to your wives [for sexual relations]. They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them. Allah knows that you used to deceive yourselves, so He accepted your repentance and forgave you. So now, have relations with them and seek that which Allah has decreed for you. And eat and drink until the white thread of dawn becomes distinct to you from the black thread [of night]. Then complete the fast until the sunset…” (Quran 2:187) “রোযার রাতে তোমাদের স্ত্রীদের সাথে সহবাস করা তোমাদের জন্য হালাল করা হয়েছে। তারা তোমাদের পরিচ্ছদ এবং তোমরা তাদের পরিচ্ছদ। আল্লাহ অবগত রয়েছেন যে, তোমরা আত্নপ্রতারণা করছিলে, সুতরাং তিনি তোমাদেরকে ক্ষমা করেছেন এবং তোমাদের অব্যাহতি দিয়েছেন। অতঃপর তোমরা নিজেদের স্ত্রীদের সাথে সহবাস কর এবং যা কিছু তোমাদের জন্য আল্লাহ দান করেছেন, তা আহরন কর। আর পানাহার কর যতক্ষণ না কাল রেখা থেকে ভোরের শুভ্র রেখা পরিষ্কার দেখা যায়। অতঃপর রোযা পূর্ণ কর রাত পর্যন্ত। আর যতক্ষণ তোমরা এতেকাফ অবস্থায় মসজিদে অবস্থান কর, ততক্ষণ পর্যন্ত স্ত্রীদের সাথে মিশো না। এই হলো আল্লাহ কর্তৃক বেঁধে দেয়া সীমানা। অতএব, এর কাছেও যেও না। এমনিভাবে বর্ণনা করেন আল্লাহ নিজের আয়াত সমূহ মানুষের জন্য, যাতে তারা বাঁচতে পারে।” The issue of sex education is often debated in Muslim communities but there is no doubt that Islamic education must include a component that explains intimate matters. It is the responsibility of parents to prepare and educate their children about all aspects of their lives, including the physical and emotional changes that take place at puberty, and the Islamic position on sexuality. Sadly within the Muslim community there are many misunderstandings about sexuality. Many husbands neglect their wife’s rights to sexual fulfillment and have the misunderstanding that women cannot be virtuous and sexual at the same time. Feeling desire does not mean that a woman is promiscuous and Prophet Muhammad advised husbands to let their wives achieve sexual fulfillment. He spoke about the importance of foreplay and using loving words during intimacy. Sexual dissatisfaction is considered legitimate grounds for divorce on the part of either the wife or husband. Such issues can be overcome with age appropriate sex education. The relationship between a husband and wife is the foundation on which a family is built and good strong families are what make a strong community of believers. Intimate issues between the husband and wife should always be seen as something special and private. It is a right for both men and women and Allah alludes to it in the verse, “…They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them …” (Quran 2: 187) The word clothing symbolizes a covering. Just as a garment protects one’s body so too spouses act as a covering for each other by protecting one another’s secrets, honor and shortcomings. In intimate situations words are spoken, secrets told, souls are laid bare. These issues must be kept between the married couple except in circumstances of dire need such as medical matters.
Footnotes: [1] Abu Dawood, Imam Ahmad [2] Ibid |
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